Songtexte: Primus. Mephisto And Kevin.

In 1986, the University of Californa at Davis
Saw two of its all time brightest stars
Dr. Alphonse Mephisto and Dr. Arnie Abesacraben
Dr. Mephisto worked hard towards his thesis

His goal was to genetically duplicate the DNA structure of Asparagus
So that all Asparagus would grow to the same girth and length
Giving Asparagus a much more plea sent presentation
In the world's supermarket vegetable bins

Dr. Abesacraben's goal was to genetically create
The greatest musical entertainer the world had ever seen
Dr. Abesacraben knew that if he could assemble
The right elements he could theoretically build
A DNA structure that would ensure his creation
Had talent far surpassing the average individual

At the time, one subject of urban myth was the story that
Michael Jackson in an effort to retain his youthful look
And feminine vocal characteristics, had his testicles surgically removed
Thereby making him a modern day castrato

If such a rumor were true
Michael Jackson more that likely
Would have had some of his semen preserved before the surgery
To ensure his the future of his name and lineage

Word came back to Dr. Abesacraben of a secret cold storage locker
Deep within the bowels of the UCLA research center
That not only contained four containers of frozen semen
But also held a pair of testicles
Each was labeled with the name "Jack Michaelson"

I once heard a noise
In the night the most sensual voice
A song of love from an eight year old boy
Stuck in my head and this is what he said

I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?

This had to be the seed of the king of pop
Dr. Abesacraben was able to use his charm
And chiseled Greek feature to woo a young lab technician
By the name of Jennifer
Who of course happened to have the proper access needed to obtain
A small vial of the precious semen

The search for the egg was a short one
Dr. Mephisto simply ran an ad in the classified section
Of an airline music magazine
The ad read, wanted, unfertilized human eggs for genetic experiment

Donors must have musical background
With a pleathera of young
Eager wanna be music starlets willing to sell their eggs
The two doctors, after rigorous auditioning, picked and purchased

Dr. Abesacraben felt that it would be far less complicated legally
If the fetus were brought to term in the womb of a non human
He had long since secured the services of
The University volleyball mascot

A llama by the name of "Missy"
When the baby was ready, the child was removed via cesarean
It was a healthy baby boy, he was named Kevin

I once heard a noise
In the night the most sensual voice
A song of love from an eight year old boy
Stuck in my head and this is what he said

I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?

Kevin was a beautiful child
Dr. Abesacraben saw to it that Kevin was trained
By the best in all aspects of performing
His voice was golden and had a sweetness to it that most males lacked
He moved with grace and was able to moonwalk by the time he was three

As Kevin grew in his talent
Dr. Abesacraben started noticing odd developments in his physical state
When Kevin lost his baby teeth
His secondaries came in with a vengeance
They were at least twice the size of a normal adult's

And the two in front stuck nearly straight out
Also as Kevin reached his eighth year
He was the same height as he was when he was four
To top it off, he was growing hair all over and his penis was enormous
Even by adult standards

It also dawned on the doctor that
Even through all the years of hearing Kevin sing he rarely spoke
Often choosing to communicate with various grunt and gurgles

I once heard a noise
In the night the most sensual voice
A song of love from an eight year old boy
Stuck in my head and this is what he said

I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?

Others were noticing the changes in Kevin
Children began to tease him, to call him "Gopher Boy"
One day a bully by the name of "Big Roy"
Started throwing bananas at him
Soon a crowd of kids were all throwing bananas

Suddenly, in a fury, Kevin rushed at Big Roy
And bit three finger fingers off on his left hand
Kevin was taken away and placed in the custody of the state
Dr. Abesacraben's actions were found out

But because there was no
Legislation concerning the genetic instruction of another human being
No criminal charges were brought forth
The medical association's board of ethics
Stripped him of all his credentials and his reputation was ruined

In fact, his name became so synonymous with failure
That for years to come
Medical students around the world
Were known to say in times of mishaps
"Damn, I feel just like Abesacraben"

Dr. Mephisto immediately began proceedings to adopt little Kevin
Being a noted scientist and the creator of the cloned Asparagus
It wasn't long before the two were legally united as father and son
They moved to Colorado where they live in relative obscurity

Kevin is still a boy of few spoken words
Sticking mainly to his grunts and gurgles
But on occasion, if you listen closely
You can hear his sweet golden signing voice
Ring out into the night over the town of South Park

I am gopher boy
Pondering reality
I am gopher boy
Who will buy my raspberries?